Curse you, daylight savings time!
“Springing forward” has a deceptively cute name. What it should really be called is “Enjoy your dark-ass mornings from now on, sucka…”
Stumbling blindly down the hallway Monday morning in seemingly midnight conditions, I was forced to flip on the harsh overhead lights, which beamed like a spotlight on my white-ass legs.
Me: “Holy crap that’s bright. I can’t see. Oof. Was that the cat? …OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! I’m hideous! GAAAAAAAA!”
My winter-pale legs shone back at me, random shadows produced by the harsh lighting doing me no favors. AACK!! The lumps! The bumps! The flab! That weird pudgy part at the top where your legs connect to your butt (I like to call this the “transitional area“)! OH THE HORROR!!
I work out. I previously felt myself to be in decent shape (”felt myself?” Probably could have phrased that differently). But were I to parade these white blubbery stems into any springtime beach scenario, the crowds would part, the men would flee, the babies would cry. Some poor sucker would toss me a towel. I can’t go through that. Something must be done.
What’s more alluring than a product with “Magic” as part of the name?! Chugging a Rockstar (vital for mom survival), I desperately scoured the web with panicked fury in search of the elusive “Leg Magic.” $200 and a 2-week delivery? P-HA! Silly Internet peeps are obviously not aware of my ADD-influenced immediate gratification needs. A helpful tip: You can pick this thing up at your local Target for half the price and take it home stat.
Tar-Jay is a magical place; I’m a long-time fan. They have all that fun crap near the entrance that you don’t really need but it only costs $1! One visit to the popcorn stand and you have a decent shot that your kids will sit in the cart for at least a good five minutes, leaving a handy trail of salt and those brown unpopped seed deals in case you’re asked to leave the store when they pitch a toddler-style fit in the toy aisle when you won’t buy them a 50-gallon jug of bubbles. And decent bikinis on show if you don’t have winter flab legs.
I nearly giggled (I may have actually giggled; I can’t recall… I blame the Rockstar) hoisting the box awkwardly into my cart. Buying stuff is fun. Especially when you think your purchase is going to miraculously solve a nagging problem. The box is heavy, maybe 25 pounds, and long and inconvenient when you already have two kids in your cart. Even if you place t
he box gingerly over one child, it’s usually frowned upon. There’s a handy handle on the box made of that kind of plastic that slices the shit out of your palm. But I wasn’t about to ask a sales dude to help me: “Hi. I’m 30-something, post-preggo with twins, and this morning I realized my legs are disgusting. Could you help me carry this? And also get me some tampons, a Red Bull and some of that fancy anti-cellulite cream?” I’ll pass.
Back at home, it was as if the box glowed with hope. May have been the fact that the sun freakin’ finally came out. You hafta put it together, but I was determined to be unusually un-lazy and suck it up as I was pretty sure that if I waited for my husband to come home he would make me return it. P-HA! Husbands. Harder to crush my dreams of hot-ass quads when I’ve already sweated over the assembly, eaten the receipt and the box is in a dumpster. HEE HEE! Chicks are sneaky.
So, when you’ve successfully claimed your handyman (handychick) title, and are about to hop on, here’s what you’ll see (at right). The handles are fun-squishy. Love that.
The Leg Magic crew has provided a handy little knob thing that you can turn to adjust the height. “Oh, how lovely!” you may be saying. However the only t
wo height choices for the handlebars are 2′ or 3′ off the pedals. Seems like odd choices. But that’s just me. What the heck?!? My thumb looks huge in that picture. The BlackBerry camera is like a funhouse mirror.
Other things I recommend:
1. Extra AAA batteries (my Leg Magic said they would be inside, but they weren’t)
2. Shoes (you can try it with socks, but you might fall on your ass. Shoes also provide necessary traction. The whole deal with the pedals will be slipperier than you think).
3. Headphones with some good tunes (mental note to add a “good workout tunes” blog post)
4. Orbit gum (no other reason than I like it. Try the Sweet Mint or Cinnamint flavors. Sweet gold for those of us with an oral fixation.)
A GOOD IDEA: Position this thing near your kitchen or bathroom counter. That way, you can put a book or magazine on the counter to read while using the thing.
Hoppin’ on like a badass, my legs shot out to the edges like I leaped onto ice and I was momentarily frightened that my undercarriage was about to be yanked into some kind of splits-like pose. As I’m not 16 anymore, this was worrisome. I’ve been pregnant, peeps. Sudden surprises like this can make a gal pee herself. I began excitedly pushing the button on the controller monitor thingy, only to discover that it seems to be unfortunately stuck on “stop”. Feeling like a jackass, I resorted to the MANUAL (guys, listen up!) but to no avail. The thing promises to measure your total reps, calories burned, and the time. That would have been useful. Guess I’ll just use my watch–oh yeah, goin’ old school!
Suggested use for this device is to slide your feet out and in (like in the commercial with the totally fit chick who makes me feel like 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag) in “60 second bursts.” HA! Little do they know that I can conquer the elliptical for an hour! I am all-powerful! I’ll do 30 min and love it.
OH HELL NO.They are NOT KIDDING about the 60 seconds. At first, it is “la-dee-da” easy. Then I got my ass handed to me. Hit that 45 second mark and you start making faces like a kid trying to poop.After a minute of slidey fun, I hoisted myself off the thing and circled it, panting, like some kind of animal sizing up its prey. I may have actually talked shit to it. But we’ll keep that between ourselves.
A surprise: This thing burns the hell out of your inner thighs. It’s easy to slide your feet to the outside. Hard part is pulling them back in. I didn’t really feel it in my outer thighs or butt as promised. But my inner thighs were on fire (sounds dirty).
More tips:
- The best thing to do with the Leg Magic is to leave it somewhere you are often. I left it in the kitchen for the rest of the day, and accumulated maybe 10 min total (a back-pattingly good job according to the manual, especially for a rookie) of 60-second “bursts”. Probably also stopped me from shoveling a poptart parade in the old piehole.
- Hey, folks, it doesn’t work on carpet! I planted this thing in front of the TV (hello, obvious choice), jumped on, started to slide out the footpads and–BOOF!–right into the carpet. Sucks.
- If you put the leg magic in an upstairs bathroom with linoleum flooring, it will be SO LOUD you’ll probably get calls from next door asking you to please quit it with the electric saw. Best place is downstairs, on tile or wood flooring.
The next day: Inner thigh soreness continues, a sign it could be working. I’m determined to keep it up, so an update will follow in a few wks.
GOOD STUFF
- Seems to work the inner thighs pretty well. And I’ll keep you posted.
- The 60-sec “burst” thing (there’s something I don’t like about the word “burst”) is tolerable.
- Claims to burn about 10 cal/min, which is approx the same as jumping rope (don’t get me started on the evil jump rope).
**Here’s a handy chart of calories burned during similar activities. Love that they have a column called “Sex: Active” on there. As opposed to when you just lie there flipping channels. - Better price deals locally, so don’t order it online unless you live in BFE. The official site does have a $15 free trial w/a money-back guarantee for 30 days, but then you hafta plunk down 3 more $150 payments later on. And you know your ass will be too lazy to send it back. Oh wait, maybe that’s just me.
- And look how little and cute it is when you fold it up for storage! Awww…
BAD STUFF
- Customer service sucks. I sent a cheery email regarding my probs with the controller thing and never received a response. Bastards!
- It’s about $100, which is a sizable investment.
- I kind of feel like a tool using it in front of my husband, who just shakes his head. And could be dangerous for little kiddos.
RockstarMama Rating: B-. (Not too bad considering the way I ripped the SMOOTH AWAY a new one!But it’s only gonna work unless you do it reguarly, peeps. I’m going to try it for the rest of the month and I’ll post an update then.)
A final bonus for my loyal readers: Here’s a pic I took leaning over the handlebar thingies upside-down with my BlackBerry. This is not recommended. About a second after I snapped the pic, I pitched forward and fell in a thundering mom pile right on my face like a huge uncoordinated a-hole. I did that for you, baby! But don’t try that at home.
Who else has tried it? What did you think? And I’m up for any other product reviews–send me your suggestions!
Check out my review of the ShamWow
NEW review of Crayola’s 3D chalk!
Read my reivew of Smooth Away!
Got something you’d like me to review? Submit your ideas here!
Found your review of Smooth Away ’cause I was thinking of buying one. Thanks for that. Then, clicked on the Leg Magic and was really laughing out loud. So important to keep the sense of humor.
Happy to entertain; thanks for reading! Laughing rules. Having kickass legs for summer would rule too.
Love your blog. Makes me laugh. Was thinking of getting the Smooth Away and thought again after reading/enjoying your review. Even though I hadn’t heard of this Leg Magic, read it anyway, just for the entertainment value. Do you have any other reviews that are funny and entertaining?
P.S. Also, sent your Smooth Away review to my sistas, so they could get a laugh also:)
Thanks
Thanks for the kudos! Well, I’ve been taking a few suggestions for other things people would like me to review (am I a sucker? Perhaps). Got any suggestions? Preferrably for something that won’t burn my skin off.
Hehe, you’re hilarious. I just stumbled on your blog over at blogcatalog and I’m gonna have to start reading you with my morning coffee. Good luck with the thighs!
Whew! I came across your site when I read your comment on my Jason Statham post, and I am so glad I did. You gave me a good laugh girlfriend!
This is so cool! Love your site! Hope to see something new soon!
Love your blog!! Glad I found your review on the Leg Magic! I’ve been wanting to get it but haven’t decided if it’s worth the $100 bucks! My inner thighs are my biggest problem area so if it can tone those down, it might be worth the money. Look foward to reading more on the Leg Magic and if it really works for you! thanks for posting!
Thanks, guys!!
Keri–I’m looking for a new morning coffee. Any suggestions?
Beta Girl–Ooh, you said Jason Statham again… sigh…
Revenanti–thanks for coming by! By the way, if you guys haven’t already, check out Revenanti’s site, coolest new cars on there: http://www.xtreme-driving.blogspot.com.
Carrie–I saw the Leg Magic at Sport Chalet last Wednesday for $70!
Love your reviews! I use a Little Gazelle and I love it. It is zero impact and you can kind of squat to get better results. It also works your arms at the same time. I am going to “upgrade” to a new one that lets you adjust the tension. Will be looking forward to your upcoming reviews. You have a great knack of expressing “extreme emotions” in words. You could really help out some of these sitcoms and comedians!
What a compliment (blush)!
I’m going to have to look up the Little Gazelle–I haven’t heard of that. Sounds kind of dirty. I like that. Sounds like a better workout what w/the arms and the squatting. One of my friends recently tried my Leg Magic for two minutes and she called it unnecessarily evil! B-HA!
You said you might be open to trying new and interesting products. Have you seen the SAVE-A-BLADE? for about 20 bucks it is supposed to “refresh” your razor after use and extend the life up to a month for disposable blades. I am cheap but if this were halfway true it would be worth it given the price of blades.
BTW: I almost fell out of my chair laughing reading your review of the leg thingy and the hair thingy. You have an AWESOME sense of humor!
So glad I read you review of the Smooth Away. I have learned not to be that “Call Now” gal but sometimes, I am tempted. Something told me not to. Thanks for sharing! You probably saved a lot of women money, frustration and torture! Remember the Epilady hair remover back in the 80’s….yep, got suckered into that Chinese Torture device. Ever since then, I have been leary of non-mainstream hair removal methods. V
Travis,
That “Save-A-Blade” is a sham like the rest of the junk you see on tv. My neighbor bought one and I saw it sitting on the table. I asked him how it works and he said… “oh it keeps your razor blade sharp”. Well I thought how cool! Then he said a cats claws are sharp too but you wouldn’t use them to shave your face. It sharpens the blade in an uneven and ‘tear yo face up’ sorta way. Steer clear!
Travis,
That “Save-A-Blade” is a sham like the rest of the junk you see on tv. My neighbor bought one and I saw it sitting on the table. I asked him how it works and he said… “oh it keeps your razor blade sharp”.
Well I thought how cool! Then he said a cats claws are sharp too but you wouldn’t use them to shave your face. It sharpens the blade in an uneven and ‘tear yo face up’ sorta way. Steer clear!
Travis: It is advised to please remain seated while reading. I can’t be responsible for laughter-related injuries. I am considering a disclaimer.
Anyway, even if the Save-A-Blade sucks, I might as well try it because I’m already all jacked up from the smooth away and also now sunburned so it can’t get much worse. Stay tuned!
Reddrida: EPILADY!!!! Shudder…
Rob: “Tear yo face up”–YIKES!!!! BTW, cats claws remark was classic. Although now I’m getting scared. Maybe I will try that product out on someone I don’t like. There are lots to select from in my office.
You make me laugh! These are the kind of reviews we all need. True to life! No bull crap, just the truth!
I love your reviews. Its great to get info and a good laugh at the same time.
I absolutely love your blogs. They are halarious and very helpful. After reading your eperiments, I was wondering if you have ever used any kind of anti cellulite cream. If so, does it really work and which would you recommend.
My story is….
I have been working hard to tone up my legs for the past few weeks and so for the first few weeks, its been going pretty good. Doing my exercises and daily massages. I think i lost at least an inch in diameter around my thighs. Now the problem is, my thighs are more firm but the signs of cellulites are becoming more visible.
if you can help, thanks! =]
Amy & Beth–Thanks!!!
Laura–Oh would I love to test that out. Any brands you have in mind?
I personally dont know much about it. I just saw an advertisement on a magazine. They featured “Nivea Body Goodbye Cellulite Gel Cream”. Ok, so I did alil research on the internet right now… seems like alot of people are very satisfied with Revitol cellulite cream.
Thanks and yet again funny.
My mom had a surgery done and has been encouraged to work out.. she tried to get one of these at target but they were sold out and she was put on a long list.. 2 months later no call :O .. we will see … if she actually receives a call..
Meanwhile, My hubb purchased a wii for ofcourse him and the kids.. also claiming its for me too… so I decided to take advantage of that.. and went out and paid 87 bucks for wii fit and 60 for dance dance revolution..(kid at heart)which is also FUN and also a good workout, Wii fit for a serious factor in getting in shape for summer which btw is GREAT and I will suggest it.. altho the taking onscreen balance board(resembling the one you stand on to workout)and trainer is quite annoying when it comes to those late night snacks and added lbs :O ….Anyhow I got my mom doing the wii fit every night and she swears she loves it shes down 10lbs so far (unfair advantage with her sugery
) and im down 6 in 2 weeks..havent change my diet at all coming from a late night snacker 
whether its cost effective probably not for the console itself.. unless you plan to use it for more then just a wii workout. you decide.
Laura–I’m SO buying it.
Chick–Thanks! You have to be kidding about the waiting list, that’s crazy! Late night snacks are the best. I have the Wii but haven’t used it in months, I need to drag that thing out. The yoga was hard! I have no ability to balance.
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have you posted and update on your leg magic review?
I have been using it 4 a month now. It came with a DVD and have done the 13 minute routine 5 days a week. It’s working for me!!! When I stood up, my legs where joined starting from the knees. Now my legs start to join 6 inches above my knees!!! and on the sides of my legs I can see the muscle divide. Don’t know how to explain it. but at least for me it’s working!
The Leg Magic does not work on carpet??
That’s bad – since I have carpet everywhere except in bath and kitchen and they both have too little space for that thing.
So this means I could not even use the Leg Magic if I would buy one?
Thanks for the laugh! And thank you for the review on the eye stuff. My hubby was almost sucked into buying it until I googled you and you popped up first! Congrats, and thanks for the review. You ROCK!
Thank you for providing initial information on this piece of equipment. Can you please post a follow up:
- Did you follow the DVD/ how often?
- Did you lose weight/ inches?
- Where did you notice the most change?
- Did it really tone your thighs & butt as promised?
- Did the appearance of cellulite decrease?
Thank You Again.