The Swine Flu: A Handy Guide
Sunday, May 3, 2009 by RockstarMama
Ok, everybody settle down.
Before you spend your beer money on a stockpile of sterile masks, let’s employ that old “knowledge is power” adage: here’s your no-nonsense guide to the Swine Flu.
The world is full of scary stuff: SARS, Hoof and Mouth Disease (could that have a WORSE name?), West Nile Virus, Bird Flu, tainted tomatoes, contaminated peanuts, artificial sweeteners, big scary dogs, creepy spiders, the dark, elevator farts, and theoretical shortages of cheese. Since resorting to living the rest of your life as a home-bound recluse in an attempt to avoid the scary stuff isn’t an option for most (how would you buy cheese?), we’re forced to suck it up and face our fears on a daily basis.
So, what’s the swine flu?
In case you’ve been trapped under a rock for the past week (that would suck!), the swine flu is a contageous flu virus that has infected peeps worldwide. It’s not new, friends, similar strains infected folks in 1918, 1976 and 1998. See? I know stuff.
Why is it called the swine flu? And why do they keep changing the name? That’s pissing me off.
According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), initial testing showed that many of the genes in this icky virus were similar to those found in flu viruses that infect pigs, and also, I freaking hated Chemistry. But ok, who else knew that pigs get the flu? I’ll bet nobody ever makes them noodle soup, and you would for sure need some heavy duty Puffs Plus for those big, rubbery snouts. I mean really. And as if they’re trying to trick us, the CDC is now calling it “Influenza A H1N1″. Other fun names: Pigfluenza, Bacon Bug, Piggy Pox, the Snort-N-Sneeze, and my fave, Hamthrax.
How can I get it?
Swine Flu is spread just like any other flu. Want to keep healthy? Well, for the love of God, wash your hands once in a while. If you forgot how, the CDC has a helpful guide on their website that includes photos. If you really need information on how to wash your hands, you should know that you probably need to buy some soap, and also, stop being disgusting. Other ways to stay healthy: See somebody doing that pre-sneeze gasping? Get the hell out of the way! If your coworker is hacking up a juicy lung biscuit, keep your mouth off their coffee cup. And quit making out with pigs. I don’t just mean the ones at the bar.
But I like bacon.
The government claims you can still eat pork products. But these are also the same people who funded a $1.2 million study on the breeding preferences of the woodchuck.
What are the symptoms?
The CDC says it’s just your typical flu stuff: fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. In addition, several people have reported getting the poops and the barfs. Concerned? Visit your family doc. Two drugs are available to make you all better: Tamiflu and Relenza.
But I’m still scared!
Let’s put this into perspective, people. As of May 3rd, 20 people worldwide have died from the Swine Flu. Folks, 36,000 people kick the bucket each year in the U.S. alone from the REGULAR flu (this official government statistic has been debated online, however–probably by some of the same people who think the Swine Flu scare is being propulgated by fat cat drug companies). More likely ways to meet your maker: Shark attack, falling coconut, pissing off fairground carnies, eating an entire tub of butter.
Did I really say “fat cat”?
See? Knowledge is power. Also, I would recommend some hand sanitizer.
Nice post! I would hope that the tub of butter death is theoretical and didn’t actually happen. D:
Definitely one of my favorite blogs. Keep up the good work!
I love it when somebody turns the hose on the crazies. All the hype is annoying the crap out of me! My husband and I were sitting around discussing how completely useless those painter’s masks are for flu prevention. I mean, do people really think that the cracks at the top, bottom, left, and right where mask meets skin are too small for the germs to squeeze through?? Get a clue, people! Wait, and have you heard the one wherein the Democratic party is supposedly using illegal immigrants as mules to carry this virus into the US? Wow. It takes all kinds, huh?
Hamthrax! I’m stealing that, if you don’t mind.
I second Hamthrax for the new name for Swine Flu…… *sigh* In a few years, this will pass…I’m taking votes on Dog Flu being the next big scare.
I don’t know if you mean to be funny but I found your post humorous which made it a lot easier to read! Well, I’m still a bit scared of the flu though… but anyway, nice post!
Hmm very enlightened and ofcourse amusing post, Actually I read today about a woman also pregnant (and with unstated heath complications aswell) has died from/or rather infact of having the swine flu, Being the the U.S’s first reported death associated with such Swine flu.. hmm Unfortunitely they dont let us in on what other health issue(s) factor in on this, along with that they talk about deaths in mexico.. and yet again.. they make sure to state that said victims did have other health issues… yet no listing of what exactly else they had.. so my thoughts.. its not the swine.. causing the deaths but with any other health problems.. adding a flu (any common non-epidemic flu) to any serious or not so serious health problem isnt gonna help…
My conclusion… Kudos on “WASHING YOUR HANDS”.
(altho catchin a flu from a pig is not the least bit desturbing)
and lmao.. gotta love the painters mask.. sigh.. will we ever learn..
We almost a scare here in Japan last week. A lady who authorities thought she the swine flu at the airport, was mistakenly for a bladder problem. About 42 people were taken to a country hotel for a day.
Jocelyn–I saw a guy eat a stick of butter that he rolled in brown sugar once. He barfed.
Mequet–unbelievable! Good point about the masks. A kleenex and some scotch tape would also serve in a pinch.
Shawn–steal away! LOVE the new open letters blog, btw. Thanks for excluding me, rude.
You know I do enjoy a good bitching.
Katie–dog flu for sure. Puppies everywhere with face masks. Dog parks quarantined. Animal groomers crossing the borders in hordes.
Bob–really the only way to continue existing at all is to just laugh.
Chick–YUCK! And sad! Yes, people, please spend a few extra moments scrubbin’ the paws.
Naoko–MISTAKEN FOR A BLADDER PROBLEM–classic! I wouldn’t mind going to a country hotel if there was a spa.
hee hee…..my bro is a Dr., so I asked: HOW do you KNOW it’s “swine flu” if the ever-so-helpful letter sent home from my daughter’s school says “symptoms are flu-like????” My big question: WHAT MAKES THE SWINE FLU DIFFERENT? His response? “Five letters”
Oh. Well, thanks for the clarification!
Ahhh! Need… to read a new blog.
Andrea–Ha!
Anon5–This weekend, I promise!
I just had to waste major time creating and sending out information on Swine Flu for the paranoid employees that work for my company. Everything in the poster is COMMON FREAKING SENSE but we were required by our “Mother Company” to do it anyways! 36,000 people DIE every year from the regular flu, hardly anyone has died from the Swine Flu yet, the media is trying to whip everyone up into this frenzy. These news shows are getting on my nerves, I always have to put on my bullshit filters when I do watch. Sadly, I lately, I get my news from Jon Stewart’s Daily Show, Real Time with Bill Mahr or the Colbert Report.
Very timely information, i would definitely take note of all these facts …. keep it up and more power!!!
I’m working in the healthcare department.
It’s very nice post to clarify
nice and informative
I’m looking for a nose, swine flu, painter’s mask that has an imprint of a pig’s nose on it. Has anyone seen any. Need 25. Thanks
came across this site when searching before buying (ahhh, smart) youthology. Loved it. the site, not the youthology. loved the uncandid humor and honesty, dedication and research and im here for the duration.
allie Says:
December 12th, 2009 at 5:13 pm
came across this site when searching before buying (ahhh, smart) youthology. Loved it. the site, not the youthology. loved the uncandid humor and honesty, dedication and research and im here for the duration.
I actually did some research on the swine flu. What I learned seemed very typical of our government. Did you know that the makers of the swine flu vaccine had a patent for it years before there was ever an outbreak? Not only that, the first outbreak of the swine flu was just fifty miles from the pharma company that created the vaccine. Sounds a little suspicious to me…
lol, Beth, that’s amusing.
as an h1n1 survivor, i can say: it sucks. but unless you have other health problems, you’ll live.
which is really the same as the regular flu.
the thing that makes h1n1 different is that it can do lasting damage to various systems. i will never again be able to breathe properly while exercising, thanks to damage the coughing and stuff did to my lungs.
but again, you’ll live.
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