Dear customer service: you suck
Friday, April 10, 2009 by RockstarMama
When you’ve been peed on as much as I have, sometimes you have to call for backup.
To those of you with kids: We are potty training my three year-old twins.
To those of you without kids: I invite you to imagine the horror. When you stop sobbing, go immediately to Target. Buy the largest box of condoms you can find. Carry them with you at all times. I would also advise some kind of backup method, like a chastity belt.
A doctor’s office is, in theory, a helpful little locale brimming with cheery personnel ready to assist you with their vast array of knowledge, and who will, in the gentlest of ways, tell you to stop being a ridiculous hypochondrial ass after you scare the crap out of yourself looking up symptoms on the Internet. Also my kids’ pediatrician has free stickers and toothbrushes.
So, after steam cleaning the carpet for the 22nd time in one day (oh yes, I kept a tally–how else am I supposed to use said experience to bribe the husband into providing backrubs and new shoes??), I decided to consult the “experts” about my situation. My son, having happily let it rip through dozens of pairs of dinosaur and spaceship underpants, was mid-conversation with me sharing a very interesting yet disturbing observation about squirrels when suddenly I was standing, wet-socked, in another puddle. He smiled away, completely oblivious.
I decided therefore, after having a hysterical sobbing fit while stuffing my last pair of socks into the washing machine and muttering rhetorical conversations with myself like a lunatic, that maybe he just wasn’t ready for this adventure quite yet. Maybe I was being one of those horrid “What to Expect: The Toddler Years”-type moms and pushing him so we could check the potty-training box when he was just too little. I needed help, advice, a hug, and wine. Instead I made the now hugely laughable mistake of calling my twins’ pediatrician.
(I should note that I have reenacted the conversation below probably two dozen times–sometimes with added gestures–sometimes without, and it still makes me laugh. I challenge you to share with your fellow rockstar readers your own experiences with some of the ridiculous fools somehow slipping through the ‘you’re canned!’ cracks who should never be allowed to answer a hotline.)
Dr’s Office: “Hello, (I’m not sharing that, are you kidding?!)’s office.
Me: “Hi, I’m trying to reach the nurse’s helpline?” (See how friendly I am? And polite. A virtual Donna Reed.)
Dr’s Office: “Yeah, this is.”
Me: (Explains concerns) “So, based on that, I just want to know if you think physically he’s not ready to potty train. Should I stop and try again in a few months?”
…long pause…
Dr’s Office: “Um.”
…long pause…
Dr’s Office: “Can you hang on?”
Me:“Uh, ok.”
(at least five minutes passes)
Dr’s Office: (laughing) “Hi, it’s me. Well, (laughing), I talked to the nurse, and, what she said is, boys is gonna be slower!” (laughs)
Me: “What?”
Dr’s Office: “Oh, uh…”
(long pause)
Dr’s Office: “Hang on.”
(several minutes pass)
Dr’s Office: “Well. Um. Did you… well, you could maybe, you could give him something to read while he’s sitting there.”
Me: “What?”
(long pause)
Dr’s Office: “Oh. Um. Well, and… and you could, you know, you could offer… you could praise him.”
Me: “What?”
(very long pause)
Me: “Well, thank you for this advice. Bye.”
This was my DOCTOR’S OFFICE, friends. It was as if, perhaps, they were overstaffed that day and, I don’t know, just went outside and picked at random from the hallway traffic.
Epilogue: two months later, and my son is mostly potty-trained, and the doctor’s office closed for business on March 31.
I KNOW I’m not the only sucker having succumbed to the angelic promise of the “helpline”. Anyone sharing a bad customer service story will receive a personalized RockstarMama haiku in honor of your experience.
What in THE hell was that? How did you restrain your anger? It’s remarkable, your ability to stay calm in the face of pure idiocy.
I think I was so dumbfounded and in shock, I didn’t know what to say! I actually forgot to add that she referred to my kid by the wrong name twice. Sigh…
I was sitting with one of my coworkers, and when I got off the phone I just kind of sat there for a while feeling confused, and then I started to laugh. And then I couldn’t stop. It was like I had just dialed anyone at all at random.
That is scary and hilarious at the same time! Another disturbing aspect–the excellent grammar “boys is gonna be slower.” Nothing says qualified medical professional like bad grammar!
That is seriously one of my favorite parts. So many people have heard this story, that at my office when we encounter an issue with a male client, we like to say: “Well, boys is gonna be slower!” It’s just the best ever. Who trained these freaks?!
Ok, here’s one for you. I was watching a Netflix movie from my instant queue via XBox 360 (turns out my husband’s absolute nerdiness is good for something). It was a movie that had some Latin parts, plus a guy that spoke German throughout. Well, there were no subtitles. I’m thinking that surely they can’t expect the average person to speak both Latin and German. I mean, that would be awesome if I could, but I’m American, so what are the chances that I’m trilingual, right? Anyway, I noticed that when I fast forwarded past the Latin and German parts, the subtitles showed up. See, when you fast forward on the XBox 360, it shows a still for every scene in a little box as it zips past. So, I could see all the subtitles when I FF. Also, they started showing up in the non-FF parts about 2/3 through the movie. I called customer service and here’s what I get.
Customer Service: Thank you for calling Netflix customer service, this is __________, can I help you?
Me: Hi there! I was just watching a movie on my instant queue on an XBox 360 and the subtitles won’t show up.
CS: Hmmm, I don’t think we have subtitles on instant queue movies.
Me: Well, they show up about 2/3 of the way through the movie. And I can see them when I FF. So, I think they’re supposed to be on there.
CS: What movie is it?
Me: Protagonist.
CS: I don’t think that movie has subtitles at all. Is it foreign or something?
Me: Well, there’s some Latin at regular intervals. And one guy speaks German all the way through so I’m pretty sure… (that’s me tapering off so she can draw a conclusion without me making her feel like an idiot)
CS: Hmm, let me check.
CS: Ok, that movie *does* have subtitles, but I think they only show up on the disc version, not the instant queue version.
Me: Well, like I said, they show up about 2/3 of the way through. And I can see them when I FF.
CS: Have you tried to see if there are different screen options or language options?
Me: The only language option is English and I tried all of the different display modes and it doesn’t make the subtitles show up.
CS: Hmmm, let me check on that.
Me: Ok.
CS: Ok, so I checked and it turns out that we have an open ticket on that title (I’m thinking–NO SHIT!!! and you couldn’t have found this out at the BEGINNING of the conversation??!!!). It appears that there’s an error with the content. So, we have an open ticket and it should be resolved soon.
Me: Is there any way that I can be put on some sort of email list so I can be notified when the issue is resolved?
CS: No, you’ll just have to…………keep checking.
Me: Oooooookay then. Thanks for you help.
Give him something to read??? He’s 3 years old!
Love it! Your blog cracks me up.
So I just renewed my Annual Pass for Disneyland but I hadn’t received it yet in the mail and was curious if I could go to the park without the physical pass….
CS: How may I assist you today?
Me: I just renewed my pass online and haven’t received it yet in the mail and was wondering if I could still go to the park until it shows up?
CS: What’s your last name?
Me: I have the confirmation number if you need it.
CS: What’s your first name?
Me: Katrina. Again I have the confirmation number if you need it.
CS: Well it shows that you renewed your pass on the 10th, when did your pass expire?
Me: …….The 11th. I was just wondering if I could go to the park still if I have not yet received my pass in the mail.
CS: Is this your first pass?
Me: No…I just RENEWED my Annual Pass with your online service.
CS: Do you have the confirmation number?
ME:
CS: It says that your pass has been sent out on the 11th.
Me: ………Thank you for your help.
Next time you encounter an idiot like that, just start pressing keys on your phone and pretend you’re trying to enter your account number.
LOL!!!!! Loving the stories.
Adrienne: that’s a really good idea!
Tina: SERIOUSLY!! Man, that part still makes me laugh.
Mequet: Oh I love customer service. Here is a haiku for you:
Watching a movie
It’s all jacked up; please help me
Call back later, ma’am
Katie: PHAAAAA! Hysterical. Here is a haiku for you:
Hello, Disneyland
Unable to comprehend
Great pass mystery
Gah! I feel like reaching through the phone line and slapping whoever’s on the other line! I’m sure I’ll find this story funny a few months down the road, but I’m having a sort of potty training nightmare myself with my 26-month old boy!
Squee! Will cherish the haiku forever! …I always have TONS of fun customer service stories, I tend to attract the idiots =P
I have twin girls who I was able to potty train when they were about 1 1/2 – 2. They are almost 4 now. I have a son who will be 2 in a few day and he is no where near wanting to use the potty. For the longest time he was afraid of it. He has just recently started telling us that he as pooped and wants to be changed. So I can say from experience that boys do take longer!
Sew Mama Sheep–HA!! See, I could have called you and gotten better advice. YAY for twins!
Katie–am totally going to start saying “Squee!” Glad you liked the haiku. Any additional stories you want to share will earn you more haikus.
Lorna–I feel for ya! As they say, “Boys IS slower”, lol.
I actually have a completely different side of this particular issue to share with y’all. I am actually one of the people on the other end of the phone, you know the one who answers when you dial. Not trying to be rude or sarcastic because I do understand what you are talking about, but you also have to realize that when we answer the phone at “customer service”, no matter what company or type of service we have specific things that we have to say during the course of a call, things that most people if they ever learned of some of the things that are “required call components” for specific places would walk around for hours with a WTF look on their face and quite understanding how anyone who does this for a living can continue to do so for more than 2 weeks, I’ve even heard 2 minutes, depending on the particular brand of “customer service” that is being provided. You have to remember that you have just 1 call that you are handling on your end of the phone, the person that you are calling can be handling anywhere from 5 to 120 calls an hour, yes I said an hour and I have personally worked a job that the expected call time was 30 seconds per call, and in those calls that the agent is getting about 1 in 10 will be someone that yells and screams and calls you every dirty name in the book, and that most people that are working in a customer service position have no real training for anything or with some of them even a High School Diploma. Personally I just enjoy being able to interact with people over the phone on the most part and as I work in technical support helping people solve their technical issues, it keeps my mind active and I get to handle different issues all the time, I actual have a Masters in English (I got it before I was grown up enough to realize that it seriously limited my career choices and I hate to teach, no patience fo people that can’t keep up with me), so I am not your usual agent on the phone, and even internally we have run into glitches with other people that have gaps in training, communication skills, or even just basic human decency, but we do try to make the best of a bad situation, or at least I do. (PS please excuse everything running togther, my enter key is broken and still waiting for the new computer to arrive, and love your blog RockstarMama)
I go on your blog all the time, and its the shizznit mmkay? Hahaha. You are like my idol man, haha. Here’s one for you. By the way, I’m under I’m only 14 so I have the patience levels of …probably your twins! Haha!
Okay, so I got an ipod for christmas, (not this past christmas, bit the one before) well I rip open the ipod package and I’m sitting there in the computer chair doing the potty dance because I’m so excited; I plug it in, thennnn, it freezes. Wtf right? Well I unplug the prize treating it like a golden chalice and I hold down the menu and the middle button until it restarts. (What it says to do in the handbook) then VIOLA, it turns on…yay! Well, I thought I might hold off plugging it in for a few minutes, so I go to the games and I think I played Klondike, a cheap game of solitare.
And once again, it freezes. Oh my god. So I repeat the process of holding down the buttons. It turns on and I plug it in, freezes. YOU PIECE OF SH*T! So I call apple to help.
Cs-ugh,this is ____ with Apple customer service, do you need something?(Coughing)
(You’ve got to be kidding me.)
Me-Hey there, well I just got my ipod and it freezes everytime I try to play a game or plug it in, and I hold down the menu and the middle button and it restarts, but freezes again, is there a solution for this?
(Few moments pass)
(Coughing)
Cs-well, did you try holding down the menu and the middle button?
Me-umm. Yes?
Cs-for six seconds?
(Well it wouldn’t have restarted if I hadn’t lady!)
Me- yeahhh.
Cs-and it restarted?(Cough)
(….$÷&%$!}?! )
Me- yes.
(Is this lady hitting the pipe?)
Cs-well it should work.
(GAH!)
Me-well you know, it doesn’t, do you HONESTLY think I would have called if it didn’t?
Cs-well then why did you call?
Me-my ipod keeps freezing, I held down the damn buttons and it still doesn’t work, capiche?
Cs-oh, well did you(coughing) try plugging it in?
(Hgyuvjdk!!!!)
Me-NO, I actually HAVEN’T tried that.
(What is this lady coughing up? Seriously!)
Cs-well, I guess then you should try that..yup.
(About to explode)
Me-will do.
Cs-and maybe next time(coughing) you buy an ipod, you should read the manual.
Me- (screaming very non-appropriate things into a nearby pillow) yeah, thank you ____, maybe next time you should get off the bong.
Cs-will do.(Coughing)
(Haha!)
Me-have a good day.
Cs-yep.
(Cough)
(Click)
I ended up letting the ipod just die, and then plugged it in, works pefect, still use it(:
Love your blog! Big fan!
Anonymous–I don’t know how you do it! You’re a champ! I don’t even like answering my own phone.
Paige–I’m your idol?! Seems like maybe I should be wearing some kind of superhero cape or possibly a crown. Pretty badass. Your story made me laugh–what the hell is with people who constantly cough into the phone? Do they not realize how nasty they are? Gag. Thanks for readin’, li’l Rockstar!
Aww no haiku? Lol, JK! Ahaha, your very welcome:D
My bad! Here are two for you.
Lame Apple lady
Helpful as a box of rocks
Pot smokin’ hacker
And also!
ipod keeps freezin
Just want a little advice
Crappy-ass helpline
Yay! I love them