An Ode to the Iowa State Fair
Wednesday, April 8, 2009 by RockstarMama
Have you ever seen an eight foot-long, 600-pound cow sculpted entirely out of butter?
I have.
That’s right, folks, you can’t get this special brand of saturated fat-based art just anywhwere–I’ve been to the Iowa State Fair.
I’m publishing this particular post on request of my wonderful husband (after all, I kind of owe him after the “Boys and Tools” article). “HEY!” You’re saying. “What’s with the setup? Just tell us something funny!” Well, settle down. I’m getting to it.
Last night, the dude tore downstairs in an excited flurry as I was eating a cinnamon roll flavored pudding snack pack, waving a single sheet of paper and exclaiming, “I found the poem! You have to post this! Post it now! Now!”
My reluctance? The poem below is something I crafted nearly nine years ago out of sheer desperation when I was assigned to work a booth at the Iowa State Fair. Not a kissing booth or anything. But dudes… at 9AM, I peered out behind my little magazine stand to find a 300-pound farm boy in overalls and no shirt wearing one gray sock and gnawing on a gigantic turkey leg. Also, it’s just slightly unnerving with such a large amount of cattle all together in one place makin
g all their “MOO” and other noises.
So, at the time, I scribbled this poem on the back of a pamphlet about raising sheep as I watched the parade of freaks pass by my little booth. The poem ended up in the newspaper and I had to later read it live on the radio. I have been told that each year it’s published for readers’ entertainment. And now for yours. The accompanying photos are for those of you who haven’t ventured to lovely Des Moines, Iowa, and if you don’t like the poem, you can blame my husband.
State fair, state fair
People in their underwear
Chicks with ratty ’80s hair
A big fat dude whose feet are bare
State fair, state fair
Mullet head, mullet head
Did you just roll out of bed?
Is your name Biff, Chuck or Jed?
Your hair looks like a squirrel that’s dead
Mullet head, mullet head
Corn dog, corn dog
Did this meat come from a hog?
Mystery stuff shaped like a log
My arteries will not unclog
Corn dog, corn dog
Funnel cake, funnel cake
Batter curled up like a snake
Wash it down with a beer or shake
And wonder why the tummy ache
Funnel cake, funnel cake
Giant pig, giant pig
How’d you get so freakin’ big?
Your larger than an offshore rig
You’d snap my leg just like a twig
Giant pig, giant pig
Midway, Midway
So many games still left to play
Sidewalk like a big ashtray
Might be time to call it a day
Midway, Midway
State fair, state fair
People in their underwear
Chicks with ratty ’80s hair
A big fat dude whose feet are bare
State fair, state fair
Man, I really want a corn dog now. I don’t even care what’s in it.
omg awesome… i hate hotdogs… they are made of pig assholes… can’t stand em…
Wouldn’t it be funny to take a hairdryer to the butter cow? that would be so cool…
oh.. eggs.. not on my diet… chicken abortions..
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
That was funny! I miss you…..Grand Canyon this summer?
Shawn–fortunately, someone had left off the nutritional label.
I just found this… you guys have to check it out. This is a page from the official IA State Fair site that lists all of the items available this year ON A STICK! Best list ever! And disturbing. http://www.iowastatefair.com/entertainment/food-on-a-stick.php
hey susan!! So good to see that poem back in circulation, I still have a copy in a drawer, brings back memories,,,,,,,,,
The Queen will NOT last long in the Hawkeye state. Anybody who can describe a nice fat tasty ham & cheese omelet as “chicken abortions” will be laughed out of the state or just told to go home. Don’t even tell her about the butter Elvis, bet she only listens to the Indigo Girls. I grew up in Iowa, it’s not nearly as hick as you might think, but if you’re lookin’ for hayseed, the Fair is a great place to start. What you really need to see is the Pork Producers fiesta earlier in the summer, around the 4th of July. Last time I was there, they had a grill literally two blocks long, constantly cooking more pork chops, ribs, brats & pork burgers.Now THAT was impressive. Smelled damn good, too!
I forgot about the butter Elvis!! Wasn’t there a butter Peanuts cartoon setup one year too? Butttterrrrr…
P.S. Love my outspoken Queen.. for more blunt and awesome observations, here’s a prop for her blog! http://wtf249.blogspot.com/
The Queen and Tico: Hey, lay off, a lot of people don’t like eggs or don’t condone eating them. I actually don’t like ham either. Or hot dogs! And I would like to see someone try to laugh me out of anywhere because I think some food is gross.
Anyway, yeah, that poem was super awesome! Believe it or not, the New York State Fair is pretty similar. XD
The Pig stanza was my favorite, haha.
I have got to get myself to a state fair! It sounds like an oily good time.
Oh my gosh this is great! I live in Kansas so I’ve visited my share of hickfests, for however brief a time. I’m still trying to repress some of those memories.
Queen- all commercial eggs (the ones sold in grocery stores) aren’t fertilized. There’s never an embryo. So unless you’re going buy from your neighbor’s chicken coup, eggs aren’t abortions. But I do get not liking hot dogs… shudder.
Michaela–It would be embarrassing to get laughed out of anywhere, regardless of the reason. Especially if the reason was that you forgot your pants. Also that giant pig was truly troubling. It looked like how I felt last night after eating a huge cheeseburger at 10PM. Never a good idea.
Tina–”Oily good time”–BWAAAHAHAHA!
Lia–It is best to repress. Sometimes that giant pig and guy with the overalls still appear in my dreams.
I live in Iowa and frankly i’m kind of insulted… we’re not ALL freaks… but lol it was amazing!
This comes under the “laughing with you” heading–I wrote that when I was living in Iowa too. I lived there for about 4 yrs. Certainly some cool and normal people there. The state fair just brings a whole different subset of people out into the mix!! Thanks for reading!
Is that supposed to be to the tune of “Particle Man”?
As a Florida native who spent 15 years in Iowa, I think I understand.
I loved Iowa – the people, the rolling hills, the best fishing I ever had in my life. The trust. The compassion. The smalltime-ness of the few people who were poor examples and a waste of human skin – meaning that, even they, weren’t really that doggoned bad.
I’ll always miss Iowa – except for your damnable winters.
Back on the edge of the ‘Glades now and loving life….. but still, sometimes, thinking wistfully of Iowa…………..