Things NOT to do in a home invasion
Friday, March 20, 2009 by RockstarMama
Either I’m part superhero, or I’m just a total jackass. Probably both.
In case you ever want to scare the crap out of me, and are making a list of ways to do so, here are some things to add:
- Dogs (they snarl at me–ever seen Cujo?)
- Mass quantities of insects (they could swarm you and eat you… SHUDDER)
- The dark (someone could be hiding in a shadowy corner and leap out, boo-style. GAAA! Now I’m freaking myself out)
- Moldy things (is there an official mold phobia? There’s just something creepy about that weird-colored fur… urp…)
- Burglars
Yesterday afternoon, I’d just lovingly tucked my three year-old twins snugly into their cribs for a nap (Yes, I still put them in cribs. Got a problem with that? I will keep them contained for sleeping purposes as long as I can, peeps), and plopped, exhausted, at my desk. Just as I popped the Internet open and was writing a glowing post on Tamilee Webb’s website (she has THE BEST fitness DVD you can download called “I want those arms”. Not kidding. She kicks my ass but in a good way) when I suddenly heard what sounded like someone repeatedly and frantically pounding on my back door, trying to get in.
So I did what anyone would do in this situation. I froze and held my breath. Because that helps. Bonus points if you close your eyes or do any type of autonomic fist-clenching.
What happened to that old “fight or flight” thing people are always yammering about? My innate defense mechanism is more like that awkward bird that sticks its head in the sand and thinks that therefore he can’t be seen. You know. Like how you are somehow more protected if you’re under the covers. Head stuffed under the pillow too? You’re golden.
The knocking/pounding continued, getting louder and faster. Part of that could have been my heart, which was thumping like I was about to pop some kind of needed vessel (vessel? Are there vessels? Maybe “artery”).
I considered my options:
- Hide under desk
- Scream like a psycho
- Peek out window
I went with option #3, ripped the blinds up like they were on fire and plastered my face and hands to the glass. All very subtle.
But I didn’t see anything. And it was eerily quiet.
Suddenly, I heard the noises again, but this time they were coming from INSIDE the house. I almost threw up in my hand a little.
Here’s something helpful to do should you be faced with an actual emergency: CALL SOMEONE. I of course assumed that the wires to my phone had been cut, ’80s slasher movie-style. But the dial tone greeted me like a friendly savior. So I got the hubs on the line.
ME (whispering, breathless): “I think someone broke into the house! WTF?!”
HUSBAND (annoyed): “I can’t hear you.”
ME: Someone was pounding on the door!
HUSBAND: Why are you whispering?
ME: ARGH! Wait… there it is again…
HUSBAND: What are you talking about? What’s wrong with you now?
ME: SHH! I’m trying to listen.
HUSBAND: Baby, I’m at work, can I call you back?
ME: But! There was banging, and, oh forget it.
This Abbott and Costello skit went on for a while.
Look, friends, had I been alone in the house, I would’ve been locked in my room, hiding in the closet FOR SURE. But my babies were napping in their rooms, blissfully unaware of the potential impending doom and counting on me to protect them.
During the day, she’s just a mommy–master of soapy dishes, eater of snacks, cleaner of messes, afraid of dogs. But in dire circumstances demanding bravery she becomes (DA-DADA-DA!!!) SUPER ROCKSTARMAMA! I’m thinking I might get a cape. Or at least a theme song.
Here are more things not to do in a home invasion:
- Don’t start acting like an ass. For some reason, I began pacing upstairs in our loft, shouting things like “I DON’T WANNA HAVE TO COME DOWN THERE AND KICK THE CRAP OUT OF ANYBODY!!” (Felt all-powerful. Sounded… like a giant dork.)
- Don’t pick out some item with the intention of using it for clobbering purposes. I, of course, contemplated a weapon of choice. I considered grabbing one of the 15-pound weights I’ve been using for the “I want those arms” DVD. But then I thought, man, that’s heavy. (And thanks to Tamilee, I can barely bend my arms to lift the thing. Would’ve been ripped out of my hand and used against me in an anti-productive beating, for sure.)
- Don’t assume the family pet is going to help you. I decided to get the cat (I imagined him howling, pouncing, ripping intruders to shreds. The second I grabbed him, however, he started to meow and purr loudly, no doubt thinking–JACKPOT! Dinner time.)
- Don’t go downstairs. I went downstairs.
Folks, I’m not a big person. Maybe 5′5″ on my best day, and no Olympic shotput or discus throw medals hanging in the old closet. But for some asinine reason, I went down the stairs, unarmed, like a little champ, cat now trailing me and meowing, weaving in-between my legs and dragging his tail across my calves in an attempt to lure me toward the Cat Chow cabinet.
I hugged the wall Mission Impossible-style and leaped out into the dining room yelling “HA!” like a total douche. Nobody at the front door. Nobody at the back door. So for sure, I thought, they’re hiding. In retrospect–a burglar is going to hide from ME?!? Not likely. But Super RockstarMama (Da-dada-DA!) went bravely from room to room, opening closets, looking under beds, peeking into showers and behind bookcases. Nothing.
But then I heard the noises again. And this time, it sounded like they were coming from UPSTAIRS.
Like an idiot, I hurled furiously up the staircase “nobody’s gonna hurt my babies!”-style. I bolted down the hallway–if I had been wearing a cape this would’ve been so much better–and flung open my baby girl’s door.
…Kailey was kicking the side of her crib, and the crib was knocking against the wall.
I’m a jackass.
That brought tears to my eyes from laughing so damn hard.
LOL!! I’m a mom of 2 and when you said the kids were put in their cribs the thought came to mind… (I wonder if the kids were kicking the side of the crib…)
Are you an home invader, because these things are learnt by experience . I laughed a lot while going through it. Life can be so wonderful isn’t it.
Thanks!!
This morning, I went down the hall to get my son out of his crib, and he met me in the hall. HOW DID HE ESCAPE??!
Great, now in addition to Kailey’s crib-kicking, I have to worry about Peyton sneaking up on me unexpectedly when I think he’s asleep. Crap!
Once again….I was LMAO…you are my comic relief for the second straight weekend…keep up the good blogs!!
HAHA! Wow! I’m glad I’m not that only person who thinks like this.Very humorous
HAHA! Thanks for the chuckle!!! Brought back memories of the time I heard someone in my house and took down the shower curtain rod and went through the apartment like a mad woman…. yeah cuz that aluminum thin pos would hurt right?
LOL!!! Picturing that is just the greatest!
lol, that made my day! especially with all the wind here in Vegas.. i’ve been thinking someones in the house all night!
I’m so glad I found your site! I love that there is another one of us out there! I hope you get paid for these!
oh wow i have done that! my weapon of choice…. big ol can of RAVE hairspary! get them down while at a distance
Jess–No kidding! It was so windy today that my hair had NO CHANCE.
Lori–Great comments are a pretty good payment.
Jini–AWESOME!! Hairspray… it’s the new mace.
dude I am so scared of burglars…I have dreams on a nightly basis of scenarios in which I have to fight off random burglars…kind of like Home Alone….
Hahaha this is awesome!
Interesting blog mate!!
Hilarious! Ive just found you from BlogCatalog and will definitely be back. Great story
.
Its a very real dilemma though. Despite any and all “planning” of what one would do in said situation, but…if it actually happens…?!#*!
Seriously, friends! All the planning in the world and when the actual incident arises you act like a jackass. Eh well.
This is the second article I’ve read by you, you’re fantastic. And a very talented writer, a lot of people get paid to make stuff like this and aren’t nearly as funny. This same thing happened to me so I totally LOL at this story.
OMG you are funny as ever..I’m off to sew you a cape…
Emily–Dude! There should be a warning label on cribs to let us know about these things. And also, thank you, I shall refer to your comment when I am feeling blue.
The Queen–Capes kick ass! Would work better than a towel or bedsheet. My only concern, of course, would be becoming unfortunately tangled in said cape. Possibly rolling somewhere down the hall and unproductively trapped inside like a burrito. I am not very coordinated.
Moms Rock! Even when we do the darndest things… This was hilarious!
Thanks! She’s done the same thing a few times since then (kicking the crib) and for a second it always freaks me out. Then I get to feel like a dumbass all over again.
Lmao.. awww..I dont know but you seem to have made that somewhat awkward situation to explain very hilarious.. Im stilling laughing.
Im also a mommy of boy/girl twins (2 years) along with a five year old.. I had a very similiar situation… altho I dont remember feeling as heroic
Stumbled across your blog from a post you had on babycenter, and as if the idiotic potty training advice wasnt enough I was tempted to read on.. Seriously your great I think I just might have to subscribe!
Thanks!!
It seems funnier in retrospect; at the time I was completely freaked! I was still thinking last night about how I was yelling things downstairs. What did I think that was going to accomplish?!?
Twins!! So cool! OH the potty training adventure… there really just even aren’t words. Love babycenter! I’m on pregnancy.org too–I’ve been on there for years. “Vegas30″.
Just read this when I should have been getting ready to leave for a meeting. Hilarious! Remind me to tell you my ridiculous home invasion story sometime
You’re awesome. No lie. I agree with Lori, you deserve to be paid for this – you should look into a weekly column with a paper or something
Hey Rockstarmama. I read two or three of your blogs on reviews for some products before reading this one. It is true that (anything touching on) kids sell or elicit response(s); here I am responding or commenting on a blog of yours, though I initially said that I should just laugh and exit the site no strings attached. Kiss your kids for this stranger.
Btw
I used the Smooth Away today. Being thick-dark-skinned, sanding really hard for several minutes—something clearly happened to the instant hair removal claim as advertised—sanding really hard to achieve results on the wrinkly areas of the body did not leave me red/irritate/something. In a significant lesser time of sanding, the hair on the sturdy areas of my skin (my solid abs where my hairy tummy line is situated for example) was gone. I sense that it will work on my strong legs too, but I will save money and time by shaving.
Peace